


Kiss with a Fists

by nightcourtcass



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: ACOTAR - Freeform, ACOWAR, F/M, Fighting, Nessian - Freeform, acomaf, angry, i dont even know i was forced by my feelings, post ACOWAR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 20:29:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10929483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightcourtcass/pseuds/nightcourtcass
Summary: In which Nesta hurts Cassian without even knowing and somehow starts to miss him





	Kiss with a Fists

“Urgh, can you two just stop for once?”, Nesta groaned loudly and threw the fork along with the egg back onto her plate.  
Feyre and Rhys didn’t even bother to break her kiss, the former just giving her an apologizing shrug.  
“Don’t bother, sweetheart. The two of them won’t go to change this behaviour in the next century. If ever”, Cassian replied.  
She hadn’t even noticed that the commander had strolled into the dining room just mere seconds ago. Nesta doubted that her sister or her mate recognized it either, considering that they were currently putting on a show that normally no one should have been forced to see. Above all not Elain, probably losing part of her innocence every second.  
“I am trying to eat here”, Nesta complained grumpily and put the egg back onto her fork.  
“You could eat me”, Cassian suggested and winked at her which led Nesta to nearly spitting out her food again. The oldest sister was debating was debating whether it was worth the power to throw her plate’s content directly over the arrogant male.  
This day was already a disaster before it properly started, Nesta thought and longed for just a few hours of quiet, just her and her books without anyone disturbing. Especially the Illyrian whose priority goal in life seemed to be to annoy her just for fun.  
Cassian sat down next to her, making sure that his wings weren’t trapped at the chair’s armrest and Nesta wondered not for the first time if it was frustrating to always make sure that the wings were safely put away. She never asked though, not wanting to give the wing’s owner any sort of amusement.  
As if he was feeling Nesta’s stare, Cassian’s eye shifted towards her and the girl was suddenly very occupied with her food, feeling the lingering gaze.  
“You are starring! What do you want?”, she asked after he didn’t stop, forcing the words through her nearly closed lips.  
Cassian smirked. “Cauldron, unless I have lost my memory in the last minutes, you were the one staring at me first. But do not fear, I know what handsome image I can be.”  
Nesta rolled her eyes. “Do you ever stop being a prick?”  
“Just stating the facts here, sweetheart”, Cassian replied and took a bit bite of his food.  
There it was again. This nickname that Nesta didn’t know how to handle. Most of the time it came out mockingly, just for the pure purpose to get her anger up. But there were time were it had a certain undertone which meaning she could not detect properly. If it wouldn’t be coming from Cassian’s lips, she would have thought it to be rather soft and sweet.  
“Well, my facts tell me that you are an arrogant asshole”, Nesta commented and groaned when she saw that Rhysand apparently lost his shirt without carring that he still had spectators.  
Repulsed Nesta shoved her plat away.  
Cassian laughed at her reaction. “Not used to seeing naked men? What a shame, Nesta. What a shame. But do not fear anymore. I could help you solve this problem.”  
The oldest Archeron sister tried to force the heat out of her face. Yes, she may have not seen so many naked bodies in her life yet, but that was nothing of Cassian’s concerns.  
They were quiet for a few seconds, before Cassian suggested that they could go train.  
And Nesta, being either disgusted or desperate by seeing her sister make out with Rhys, nodded, agreeing for the first time instead of just dismissing the Illyrian’s attempts. “Let’s go train.”  
Cassian seemed slightly taken aback and she was proud that she got him to shut him up even once. A speechless Commander. She could get used to the idea.

It wasn’t more than two hours later, that Nesta regretted to not having agreed to the Illyrian’s proposal sooner.  
For the first time in forever she didn’t feel wrong. She didn’t feel week. She didn’t feel useless anymore. The training gave her a purpose again. Helped her feeling strong and confident for the first time since she had been made into fae and got trapped in this body that just felt so unfamiliar and wrong. But being able to use this power and the fast reflects that she had now made her feel a kind of connection finally. She felt more like herself again. God, she missed this so much.  
Also, it had the nice side effect that she was allowed to hit the male opposite her as often as she wanted, Nesta thought. Although her hit ratio was embarrassingly low considering that she mastered to hit the Illyrian one time in total. And this just because Azriel had held Cassian’s arms behind his back after she complained to the two of them that it wasn’t fair for them to expect her to be able to hit him while he had so much longer arms.  
Cassian had just laughed after that, not even flinching after she had hit the target, and ordered the shadowman to go and play with his shadows as he was interrupting the training. Azriel had just shrugged as a response and disappeared, leaving Nesta nearly screaming for him to come back as soon as she realized that she and Cassian were the only two persons left at the training field. She had the feeling that this wouldn’t end well.  
“Hold the arm a little bit higher and make sure that your thumb isn’t in your fist”, Cassian ordered and demonstrated what he meant.  
Nesta was watching him carefully and did exactly what he told.  
One more blow, blocked once more.  
“Try to take your body as an advantage and swing not only your arm but all of you to get more power behind your stroke”, the commander recommended.  
Luckily he seemed to take the training as serious as she did, not mocking her once through the session. Not speaking to her except of giving her orders and telling her how to improve her tactic. He could be kind of nice when he wasn’t his cocky self, Nesta thought after a while.  
Another blow, another block.  
“Good. You are getting better.” Cassian nodded approvingly.  
“Does this mean that we can start using real swords know?”, she replied, trying to catch her breath.  
“You wouldn’t be able to lift it up at all. You will have to built a few muscles first, sweetheart.” His lips turned into a smile.  
“Then we should start building those muscles”, she said.  
He shook his head while having a small smile on his lips. “You seem tired, Nesta. We should stop the training and continue another time.”  
“No. I still have enough power left. Also, I am not sweaty enough yet”, Nesta replied stubbornly, ignoring the waves of sweat running down her body.  
“I could solve this problem in another way”, Cassian winked.  
Nesta sent him an angry glance. “This training is not finished until I hid you one more time, dickhead”, she demanded.  
Cassian just shrugged his shoulders. “Well, alright. Then position yourself again, making sure to be able to distribute your weight in the way I-“  
He didn’t finish his sentence thanks to Nesta who thought her only chance to get this damned hit was to surprise him and hit him midsentence.  
She watched pleased as her arm moved forward straight in his direction, hitting him directly at his chest. Or nearly, at least. Faster than she would have thought possible, Cassian swiftly raised his hand and caught her fist before it had the chance to hit his corpus. He moved with such rapidity that she hadn’t even noticed his movement at all.  
Nesta’s eyes widened as soon as he recognized that thanks to her using her whole body’s power she had herself catapulted directly into his arms. Their legs were touching, her face nearly pressed against his chest. One of her hands was still captured in Cassian’s, while her other one was caught between their bodies, being the only thing keeping their upper bodies to be pressed against each other totally. Nesta could feel his head and if she wouldn’t be in the situation she was in at this moment, certainly she would have wondered why he didn’t seem to sweat at all while she was covered in perspiration.  
But Nesta was caught in this situation and she couldn’t stop thinking about it, about him, while at the same time she could not think at all.  
“You know, considering the position we are in you could give me a kiss at least”, Cassian said, his voice rougher than normally.  
Nesta’s body felt like she was burning, directly in hell or heaven, she did not care at all. She felt a part of her wanting to reach forward, towards his face, towards Cassian, and explore him in a way that she hadn’t explored anyone else from the other sex, not even once in her life. Suddenly she wanted to feel his lips pressed against hers, wondering if he would be soft or pressing, wondering if he would be able to leave her breathless, wondering if he would be able to let her feel all these things she would only allow her to dream about at night time, in the dark when she should long be asleep. The sole thought about it left her panicking. She had lost control. Totally.  
Nesta had lost control and that was something she could not deal with. Not after everything that happened.  
So she looked him straight in the eyes, hoping that he couldn’t see the part of her that wanted nothing more as for him to catch her in his arms, holding her like he intended to never let her go again. “I will never, ever kiss you. Not even once. So you better stop thinking about it, bastard”, she spit into his face.  
Cassian stepped back as fast as if he was burnt. And maybe words could burn someone as well, Nesta thought when she could see something in flickering in his eyes as if she truly hurt him. But just a moment later his face had become unreadable.  
“I think the training is finished for today, Nesta” Cassian said toneless. He spread his wings, shooting towards the sky without turning to her again.  
She felt cold again.

 

The next morning Cassian didn’t turn up for breakfast, leaving Nesta to train with Azriel. She was glad about that. She ate, enjoying the silence for once and then followed the shadowsinger when he explained to her that she would take her training today.  
One week after, Nesta began asking herself if Cassian was trying to avoid her as much as she was trying to avoid him.  
Two weeks after, Nesta started to slightly miss all these inappropriate remarks which made her at least feel something at all although she would never ever put that into words.  
Three weeks later, Nesta wanted to know where Cassian had gone. There was a training issue at one of the war camps, Azriel explained to her. Which one, she had wanted to know. But the shadowsinger had just starred at her and ordered her to get into fighting position again.  
Four weeks later, Nesta decided that she wasn’t taking any excuses anymore. Cassian still hadn’t officially returned from camp but she could have sworn that she saw him in the corridor last night, watching her silently and then turning away without saying anything. He had just looked at her, panic to be read in his eyes when he had recognized that she had saw him and vanished into his bedroom, so fast that Nesta had not have any chance to react. That was the moment she felt that this time she had really fucked up somehow.  
Cassian might have been mad at her before, as she was mad at him nearly all the time, but eventually they had always been able to talk to each other again, annoying the shit out of each other. This time something was different. And it felt so wrong.  
So Nesta stepped down the stairs next day, bursting into the dining room, ready to demand answers.  
The room was empty except for Mor who was just looking up once and then went on doing whatever she was doing, holding a cup in her hand and pressing her fingers around it in a way as if she was trying to hold control.  
“Were is everyone?”, Nesta asked and sat down at the table next to the other girl who was covered in a light, red dress and looking like a queen herself.  
“Rhys took your sisters to the city, Amren is visiting a friend and Az is waiting for you at the training place”, Mor answered without really looking at her.  
“And Cassian?”, Nesta wanted to know.  
“Cassian is still at the camps”, Mor told her casually.  
Nesta starred at her, not wanting to take this excuse anymore. “We both know that he is back. Probably back for days. If he even went at all. I saw him yesterday, so stop lying to my face”, she said.  
Mor snorted and looked at her for the first time today. Nesta could see the fire in her face. “You know, I cannot figure out if you are just that oblivious or a real bitch”, she commented.  
Her voice was calm, way too calm. Nesta new that this was dangerous. Mor certainly had her tempers. She could scream and snap at everyone, going of like a flame, but the moments she was really angry she was calmer than the sea.  
“I know that he is angry at me”, Nesta murmured quietly, not wanting to get into a fight. Not after she had already one person in this house hating her that much that he was avoiding her for a full month now “So please tell me, Mor. What have I done? I want to make this right.”  
Mor crossed her arms. “He is not angry at you, Nesta. He is – you took his heart and crushed it so hard that he isn’t speaking to anyone anymore. At least not really”, she told her.  
Nesta felt something tighten in herself. “But why? I do not know what I have done wrong.”  
“You called him a bastard. Right after you told him that he shouldn’t even dare to kiss you”, Mor hissed as if this was self-explanatory.  
“I called him many things. Dickhead, Asshole, arrogant, prick. You know that. That was kind of our thing. But never ever did he took it to his heart”, the younger one replied, feeling her getting even more confused.  
“You don’t know, do you? You really don’t have any idea”, Mor countered, her voice changing from icy to pitiful. “I just thought someone would have told you that’s why I never mentioned it. I guess all of us thought that someone else told you that’s why no one really did.”  
Nesta looked at her silently, her gaze pleading the other woman to just tell her what had happened. She was slowly getting anxious and just wanted to know what the hell she did wrong.  
Because she was really missing Cassian somehow. Missing him annoying her. Missing him helping her pick her up in the most unusual ways. Missing him because he could make her feel in a way that no one else could.  
“Cassian’s sire knock his mother up and left even before he was born. As a child he was left to sleep outside, being looked down because he was a bastard, abandoned by everyone. No one cared for him, no one even gave a damn about whether he existed or not. Not until Rhys mother found him and took him under her wings”, Mor explained, her voice tight, her words painfully stepping Nesta, making her feel so sorry, so terribly sorry.  
“After centuries he finally started to accept himself. To ignore all these hateful voices, claiming that he should not be Rhy’s commander, should not be an Illyrian warrior at all. All these people telling him that he is worse than dirt. And then you came around and he started to open up a place in his heart, feeling things that I never really knew he was even capable of. He trusted you, Nesta. He started to feel something for you, not that you are he ever really did notice. But we others did. You made him happy in a weird, fucked up but wonderful way.”  
“And then I said these things and- I did not know.” Nestas fingers were trembling slightly, her voice shakenly. “I really did not know.”  
“I know. I know now”, Mor claimed, not angry anymore but rather just exhausted, “He is fallen into a cloud of self-pity. Thinking that he doesn’t deserve you or anyone really. Because he is not worthy enough to be loved. I tried to get him out of it. Rhys did, Az did. Your sister as well. But Cassian can be very stubborn if he wants. And he has always been best in talking himself down.”  
Nesta felt her heart hurt. How the hell could she have been that stupid?  
“I should go talk to him”, the oldest sister murmured.  
Mor nodded slightly. “He is upstairs in his room. Brooding since days.”  
Nesta got up, left the dining room and strolled up the stairs, not sure if she should take her time ur just burst into his room, telling him how sorry she was.  
She stopped in front of his door, knocking softly.  
Something that sounded a lot like a pillow crushed against the wood. “Just leave me alone, Mor. I don’t want to go through another one of talks”, Cassian growled.  
Nesta just opened the door and stepped inside, her eyes taking in her surroundings, recognizing that this was the first time that she was in his chamber. The Illyrian warrior sat on his bed, his wings nearly shielding her from the view of his body. But even now Nesta could see the sunken shoulders, the bended head.  
“I told you that-“, Cassian protested as soon as he heard someone entering, turning around and stopping midsentence as soon as he saw her standing in his door.  
“Nesta.” Her name. Just her name. It was enough to send shivers down her body.  
“I guess you aren’t at the war camp anymore?”, she said, lifting the pillow up from the floor before she went to stand next to his bed and positioned the cushion at the place where it belonged.  
“I guess I am not”, Cassian answered, his voice lacking his usual bite.  
“Is it-“, Nesta hesitated before continuing. “Is it okay if I sit with you?”  
The Commander just shrugged and moved a little bit, making it possible for her to sit in front of him.  
Nesta sat down, starring at his face, trying to think about what to say. Elain would be able to find the perfect words, hell, even Feyre would know what to say. But her, she has always been bad in apologizing. She somehow always seemed to say the wrong words at the wrong time, hurting everyone around her. Hurting the people most that were so anchored to her heart that it hurt sometimes. And now she felt so helpless. So insecure.  
“I am really shit in apologizing. Always been, always will. But I really never intended to hurt you. I really didn’t know about your life before I met you, Cassian. No one ever told me. I would have never said what I said if I would have known. And I am so, so sorry. I wish I could take the words back somehow”, she whispered, her hands twisting.  
He just looked at her, letting her see the hurt, the desperation, the recognition in his eyes.  
“You were right anyway”, he murmured. “I shouldn’t let myself falling in love with you. I do not deserve you. Not if you consider who I am. And I was a fool for allowing me to think otherwise.”  
It was the hurt in his voice, the acceptance of his defeat, which made Nesta raise her hand, taking his into hers.  
“You are wrong, Cassian. So, so wrong”, she forced out, with such belief in her voice that she just hoped that he would believe her. You are funny and selfless and amazing and loving. You take care of your friends, you throw yourself into the line of fire without caring that you could get hurt as lang as everyone else is safe. Hell, you would die for every single one of your friends, every single person in this city, probably even for the ones that hate you. You are one of the best persons I have ever met. Maybe even the best one. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to everything in this world.”  
Her words tingled through the room, replacing the silence, hanging in between them.  
His gaze kept her captured.  
“Does that mean that I might have a chance to deserve you?”, he murmured, still starring at her, still not quiet believing his words.  
“Always”, Nesta whispered through the silence. Just one word, but a word full of belief, full of truth. Because she would do everything from this single moment to convince Cassian that he was worth every dearest thing in the world. And if he needed a reminder of that every single day, she was more than happy to give it to him. Again and again and again.  
Cassian looked at her as if she was the most precious thing he ever saw and when he shifted forward this time, gently cupping her face, Nesta didn’t move away. She took all of her insecurity, all of her fear and let it disappear, knowing that he would not hurt her, knowing that not being with him hurt a lot more than not being.  
His hands lingered on her waist, gently pulling her nearer and nearer, until there was nothing between them anymore. Until not even air itself could break them apart.  
She could feel his breath on her mouth, making her tremble and then, finally, ultimately, his lips crashed against hers.  
The kiss was hard and fierce and passionate, loving and gently, slow and fast at the same time, but most importantly it was full of unspoken love.  
They might be like fire and ice but together they were able to crash down the world.


End file.
